SEX

This has been a topic I've been aching to write about but as you may have guessed,  I've also been so nervous to write about. I always say how "this piece is the most vulnerable I've written so far" and I've always meant it. And I do now. I can feel God stretching me and pushing me out of my comfortable little flowery writing box to continue to be real and raw.

I've spent months praying over this subject, praying over this, for lack of better term, musing. I've read excerpts to just a couple people just to ensure it comes off with grace and gentleness. And I will tell you it is not easy for me to verbally share my writing. Its very different and more vulnerable to speak what basically is my journal to someone versus putting it out there for anyone or no one to read. I get impulsive when I write something I justwant to press post because I know the scaredy cat part of me might win and end up never pressing that dreaded but addicting button. But this has been something that has been on my mind and my heart for years now.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm just a few months away from getting married. It's been a much more frequent thought and has forced me to put pen to paper, or in this case hand to keyboard. 

This one is particularly hard. One that is both scary to talk about, but also is so consumed with love that I can't help but say okay God, help me put these jumbled thoughts into something You can use. 

So here goes nothing. 

Yes I'm a virgin. And I don't always know how to take the comments or the looks I receive when it so oddly comes up in conversation. It's not a conversation I try to avoid per se, and it's not one that typically makes me feel awkward.

I'm proud of my decision and I'm proud of my fiancé's decision.  No it hasn't been easy at all and no In case you're wondering the looks that scream "you're a freak" and "you're how old again?" Are not particularly appreciated but they are by no means surprising. 

It comes up in doctors visits pretty much every time. And the reaction usually is the same. "You don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't have sex...what do you do" it's almost like a script. Very original docs. 

I've heard things like "I could have guessed by the way you touch him/ or don't touch him" or things like "you're taking the Bible far too literally" or comments that almost write my relationship off as if it's not as serious as the next. Like what? But what I will say surprises me the most is when someone congratulates me. When I had someone literally cry and tell me I gave her hope for her sons who are in high school. Hope That there are actually still girls out there that see value in saving themselves. That surprised me. I know it's not very common anymore. But I also think that's an issue and a conversational issue at that. 

I've spoke with so many people about this topic from so many backgrounds. Some virgins who have the same fears I do (yes I know I'm getting married in three months). But the majority I've spoken to aren't. And the majority of the majority are not happy about it. 

They feel guilt. They feel saddness. They feel hurt. They feel like there's no way they can be forgiven and made new, like it's already been done. They feel cheated and they feel regretful.

The fact is that we live in a sinful world. A sinful, convincing, betraying, but charming world that makes what should be taken so seriously and protected so cautiously just another commercial and another thing to do as long as you are "smart" about it. That if you really love him it's okay. That if he really loves you it's okay. That if you use protection what can it hurt. That everyones doing it. That it's really not that big of a deal. Cause you need to test drive the car before you buy it right? 

As I typed all of those out all I could hear in my mind was "lies, lies, lies". It's a comfort knowing that God shows that there's absolutely no truth to the shows, the memes, the songs, the culture that we live in that have completely devalued not just sex but also your self-worth. 

I guess the main reason this is so difficult to write about for me is that it is so intimate and personal, but also so complex. There's so many different dimensions and so many sensitive spots and experiences for so many people. So trust me, I come from a place of love and understanding and not judgment. 

Our culture and quite frankly the world since the fall has taken such a beautiful, meaningful, and quite simple thing when it's used the way it was created to be, into a confusing, casual, and potentially heartbreaking thing. It has caused self esteem to plummet. It's caused scars that feel like they will never heal. It's caused confusion on the deepest level. The reason is both complex and simple. 

Sex was created in the context of a biblical marriage for a reason. 

The Lord is very particular with His wordage and I don't think I've read of one instance where He had word vomit and spoke without thinking. He said what he meant and He meant what He said. Not to keep joy and pleasure from us, but to save it for us. Sex is not bad. It was created with us in mind. It was created in love.  It wasn't created to be had with one person to the next but rather to express the love and commitment that was made at the words of I do with one person. 

It joins two people as one which is why casual sex doesn't really exist. It can't. When two become one, they are forever connected to that person and there's nothing casual about it. Sex is comfort and it is intimate. It is something special that I see as a safety guard for a married couple. It is a gift that was created to be given to only one person, devoted to one person. As Christ is to His church. Its something to be protected and freely given to the one you have committed your life to in marriage. Sex is beautiful and intimate and it's fun (or so I've heard). But we have to remember it was created with a biblical marriage in mind and when we choose to ignore that we are choosing to settle for a much cheaper version of such a rich and beautiful reward. 

There are so many different scenarios and that's why I am trying to approach this with such gentleness and love. Everyone's stories are different. Some people gave their virginity away to their high school sweetheart, some to "that guy" or "that girl" just so they had their first over with, and some tragically had theirs so violently ripped from them. 

My heart aches for each one. But I want to make sure not to gloss over or trivialize the last. I hold this so very dear to my heart. I met so many victims of sexual assault while in Kenya. I heard so many terrifying and vivid stories from those beautiful girls, that I could still hear the depth of each ones pain in their voices. I could see their shame as they hung their head. I could feel their struggle to accept Gods grace with their tearful hug. I came home and continued to hear these stories from clients, from family, from friends. 

Those stories leave me broken and hurting. They leave me in tears and a gut full of confusion with each one I hear. I say very little while I listen to these personal stories. But one thing that Im able to not so easily get out in the midst of these emotion packed conversations and one thing I think is vital to remember is that God is so very tender to victims. His heart aches with yours and He knows your pain. Both men and women experience these life-changing and heart-breaking attacks and this too is a conversation to be had and treated with care and sensitivity, and not to be ignored. But He has given us promises to hold onto. "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3. That's a heavy promise to carry and He has no problem coming through with it.

Sex is a very sensitive subject that I think we let our culture have too much control over. We feel uncomfortable talking about it so we let the world do the talking and the teaching for us. 

But I think we need to remember that we're all human. We all make mistakes and make decisions that we're not proud of. It's a hard subject to navigate. And I think because we'd rather just say it's wrong and that is that, so black and white, and when someone falls, we kick them when they're down instead of loving them and guiding them back to the Father. I've seen this happen and I've seen the impact it has on the person. 

I think it can be difficult to talk about because we don't want to say "Gods arms are always open and He is just to forgive" because we don't want them thinking that it's okay to go back and do it again. But i think if we're being honest with ourselves, the fact is God IS a God of grace and He is Faithful and just to forgive.  I feel like I constantly have to cover my bases when I talk about this because I'm not saying we should just say God is love, it's okay. God is love and God is a great Father. Who has created sex thoughtfully and purposefully and that isn't to be taken lightly. At the end of this life we aren't the ones to be judging others, so I just feel it's a waste of time to do here. We are called to share the gospel. To share it raw. To not sugar coat it, but to boldly teach others about it like Jesus did. 

The story of the woman at the well has helped me so much while I've wrestled with the right approach for this in the past few years. Jesus knew the woman at the well, He knew her like He knows you, like He knows me. He knew she was having sex outside of the guidelines He had set and instead of sticking His nose up and walking away as I feel is a common reaction of Christian's of today, He said "go and sin no more". Now if that is not the most loving yet firm and truth filled response, then I don't know what is. 

If you feel like you've screwed up and you've given a part of yourself away, know it's never too late. God can restore you. God can redeem you. He can renew your purity and your innocence. He can guide you and hold you when you're hurting. He can help you in times of temptation and He can show you the beauty of Sex the way He intended it to be. 

We live in a sinful world, but with a sinless father who loves each one of us independently, so deeply and so powerfully. He wants the best for us and He KNOWS the best for us. All we have to do is listen, obey, and remember His Grace.

Let Him define you, not your past. 

My hope and reason for writing this is to bring some peace to the restless and remind someone of the loving, forgiving, and understanding God we serve and the incredible gift of sex that He has given us in marriage.