My Recent Heartbreak

 

I met my husband when I was about sixteen. We became best friends quickly, started dating a few years later, and got married a few years after that. He was my first boyfriend and he is my last. With that said, I've been lucky enough to not have to go through heartbreak, that is until now. 

The past few months I've felt a deep pain in my heart and in the last few weeks that pain has deepened that much more. I have never really liked the term "heartbreak", but I think that was just because I never experienced it. I now know that that is the only true way to describe the feeling and emotion I feel. 

I got an email this morning that broke me. It was from the Be Heard Project. The Be Heard Project serves as a voice for persecuted Christians all around the world. I've followed their cases and every time I receive an email, I feel the sting of the heartbreak once more and find myself in a mess of tears.  It's sobering and humbling to read through the stories of these Christians and what they go through in their country because they refuse to deny their faith. They stand strong for Christ no matter what that might mean for them. They suffer greatly; they experience rape, torture, and even death. They are willing to lay their life down for Christ like He did for us. 

It's so easy to forget about the real meaning of this life. It's easy to get lost in our own lives and the little inconveniences that seem so huge but in reality are so minute. As persecuted Christians are giving their lives for Christ, we struggle uttering His name because we don't want to offend someone. They are forced to live in hiding as they continue to share the Gospel with anyone and everyone, we are too busy to stop and help someone at the side of the road. We are quick to judge and they are quick to share. 

This is why I feel so heartbroken. I'm heartbroken for my country, for those who don't know Christ, and for those who do, but chose not to live for Him.

I look at myself and my life and I now understand a few of my Grandpa's last words. He said something in the last moments of his life that has always stuck with me and something that I haven't fully understood until now.

"What have I done for the Lord?"

My Grandpa dedicated his life to living for Christ and for His Kingdom. He was one of the most Godly people, so I never understood how he, of all people, could feel that way. When you let yourself grieve for this world, you do understand it. When you have that quiet time with your Savior and meditate on His Word and who He is, you understand it. It's overwhelming to be in His presence and it is overwhelming the burden you feel when you consider every single person on this planet and how He died for each one of them and how we are too "uncomfortable" to share the news that will allow them to experience a joy not just today, but for eternity. 

I look around me and I see Christians who talk about their faith like they're sharing what they had for lunch. It's in passing and a short description that lacks meaning as their lives don't emulate what Christ desires for us. They look the same, they speak the same, they live the same as the world. It's heartbreaking and if I'm being completely honest, angering.

I'm heartbroken that they have not allowed God's Word to truly penetrate their hearts that completely and utterly changes the way you speak, the way you love, and the way you live and I'm angry because those who don't know Christ don't see why they need Him in their life. They don't see any difference in how we speak or how we handle difficult situations. If they don't see Him in our lives and we don't tell them about Him, how are they ever going to know Him? 

One of my favorite verses is James 4:14. "What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." This verse continues to snap me out of the here-and-now and snaps me back into the eternal perspective. It reminds me that there is no time to fear rejection or uncomfortable conversations. It reminds me that if I spend my life in my comfortable bubble, at the end of this life I will have missed the entire point and meaning of what God wants for me. He wants me to live for Him. He wants me to serve Him with everything I have and with everything I do. He wants me to show others His love and He wants me to tell others of how He can change their life. There is such an urgency to sharing the Gospel. We never know when we will take our last breath and we never know when our friends, coworkers, or even strangers will take theirs. This urgency is my heartbreak. 

This heartbreak is from seeing brothers and sisters in Christ blatantly stray from what they know is right because it's just the easier thing to do.

This heartbreak is from seeing so many hurting people in this world who live each day without hope, without Christ.

This heartbreak is from thinking just for a moment of the pain that our Heavenly Father must feel when He is rejected by His children.

This heartbreak is deep and it is for the world we live in that is so far from getting the point of this life. 

I have felt like I have been under a microscope since I was young. I have always been so proud to be a Christian and I have been blessed to be safe enough to share my story and my faith openly with no fear of physical persecution, which I take for granted more often than not. I've taken pride in the pressure of holding up a testimony in life. I have not been perfect by any means; I've screwed up and I've made my fair share of mistakes. But my God has been with me in every moment of weakness and in every moment of strength. He has given me the words to say in the tough and awkward conversations and to say I'm blessed to be a loved child of His is such an incredible understatement.

I know how hard it is to stand tall as a Christian. To say "no" to things that aren't honoring to Christ or that would be damaging to your testimony. I know how hard it is to truly follow Him in every step you take. I know how tempting the worldly lifestyle can be as it would be so much easier to live.

But I also know just how thankful I am that I didn't chose that route and how thankful I am that I have never been alone in those dark moments of temptation, those moments where it would be so much easier to go along with the rest of the group instead of standing up and walking away, those moments of defeat and those moments of weakness, He is with me and you, just as He is there with the Christians on the other side of the world giving their life so that He can be known.

I know it is hard, but it's worth it. His way is always worth it.

I am so thankful for this heartbreak and I hope the deep burden I feel for this world never leaves.