PRAYER

 I usually pray right before going to sleep every night, but tonight was different. Tonight I felt convicted. I’m generally not one to say “God spoke to me”, but there are times where you know He’s working on something in you and tonight was one of those times. 

When I was younger I would work on memorizing verses and one verse that I really meditated on was Matthew 6:6. 

“But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret.” 

— Matthew 6:6

The version I used at that time used “closet” instead of “room” and I took it completely literally. 

I would go into our family’s cedar closet and pray. I prayed, cried, rejoiced in that closet. It became such a safe haven for me. And still to this day closets give me such comfort. They are private and give me the intimacy that I have always needed in prayer. 

It’s not that I feel I took this verse too literally, but it’s that I prayed so much by myself, that praying with other people was (is) such a struggle for me. 

My relationship with Christ is extremely personal to me. It has always been such an intimate relationship that praying out loud with others, just felt strange. I have never had any problem with praying for others but praying with others, now that’s a whole new ballgame. 

This may seem strange and it’s not that we never pray, its just that my husband is always the one to. I’ve prayed hardly a handful of times throughout our entire relationship and that’s really sad for me to admit.  especially now that we are married, I can feel the growing pains in this area. 

So back to tonight. Tonight, I felt convicted for not praying with others, especially my husband. 

I went back and forth in my brain as my sweet husband was quickly falling asleep, on whether or not I should pray out loud with him or just continue praying on my own. After a long debate in my head, I blurted out.  I prayed out loud. I prayed with my husband. And I learned so much in that time.

This is a different type of post for me. As you can tell from this long jumble of thoughts and words, my prayer life has always been so private so even writing about feels uncomfortable and vulnerable. 

But prayer is truly so powerful. I have had my most favorite moments in my entire life in prayer.

 So I’m asking for prayer (betcha saw that one coming) for the courage to stretch myself in this area. To allow myself to open up my personal relationship with Christ in such an intimate setting as prayer with my husband first and foremost   But also, hopefully & eventually, with others. 

God taught me so much tonight and it’s moments so small as taking a leap in faith even just that of a short prayer with my husband before we say “I love you, goodnight” that remind me of how I will never stop learning, He will never stop stretching me, and I will never stop growing in Him. 

What a gentle, loving, and patient Father. He is good, all the time. Even in the midst of fears and insecurities, He is so so good. I am so grateful.