Progress
2020 hasn’t been my friend, but today...Today was a good day. Today was a day I biked 10 minutes AND I didn’t lose my vision while doing it. Today was a day I felt true hope for not just living with my illness, but making PROGRESS with my illness. I understand that biking 10 minutes seems like nothing to most. But let me tell you, it is something. A big something.
I have been running on empty for so long and now that I have a chance to breathe, a chance to rest, a chance to live, i realize that THIS is living.
Before, I would get exhausted from a quick shower, work a full day, come home, and get right in bed. I had no energy left. I tried so hard for so long, that I didn’t realize I wasn’t living, I was just surviving. Now I see the difference. I feel the difference.
This year has been very difficult for so many reasons, but I see Gods hand through it all.
I would pray every single day talking to God about how I couldn’t do another summer working full time going into the office. I told Him I trusted Him, but I was scared. As badly as I tried, I knew that I wasn’t going to keep up with the rate I was going.
Having a chronic invisible illness is difficult for so many reasons. There’s the physical aspect of course. Where you are running on empty, trying to keep up with what you “should” be able to do and what is deemed “Normal”. Where your husband has to take care of almost all of the household chores because you’re too weak to help. Where you spend every minute on the weekend in bed because you have to save your energy for Monday through Friday just to do it all over again. Where you constantly look at your watch, not to see when work would be over, but to track your heart rate spikes so you wouldn’t have to feel like it was all in your head when you would feel so sick doing literally nothing. Where you have to locate a place to sit when going anywhere so you don’t faint. Where the very thing that is supposed to help you feel better is the same thing that makes you symptomatic. Where you bike for 3 minutes and then have to call in sick the next day because you can’t get out of bed. The list goes on and on.
Then there’s the emotional aspect. Where there’s an overwhelming sense of guilt. A guilt that says you’re lazy. A guilt that convinces you you’re a burden and you’re complaining when you’re simply explaining your limitations and why you can’t do this or do that. A guilt that says “you’re just making it up” or “it’s all in your head” just because you look normal. A guilt that makes you feel like you’re being dramatic when you’re just being an advocate for your needs and your illness.
What I’m trying to say is biking 10 minutes is big.
I still have symptoms, but they are way more manageable and I actually have time to rest and progress. I have bad days, but not nearly as many. I still have to watch my spoons, but I have more freedom to choose what I use them on. I still check my heart rate, not to give me peace that I’m not crazy, but now just out of habit. There are still flares and days where I can’t get out of bed, BUT I’m living again.
Today i choose to celebrate my little victory. Today I biked 10 minutes, took some selfies, cried happy tears, and prayed thankful prayers. So to put it simply, Today was a good day.
I have been running on empty for so long and now that I have a chance to breathe, a chance to rest, a chance to live, i realize that THIS is living.
Before, I would get exhausted from a quick shower, work a full day, come home, and get right in bed. I had no energy left. I tried so hard for so long, that I didn’t realize I wasn’t living, I was just surviving. Now I see the difference. I feel the difference.
This year has been very difficult for so many reasons, but I see Gods hand through it all.
I would pray every single day talking to God about how I couldn’t do another summer working full time going into the office. I told Him I trusted Him, but I was scared. As badly as I tried, I knew that I wasn’t going to keep up with the rate I was going.
Having a chronic invisible illness is difficult for so many reasons. There’s the physical aspect of course. Where you are running on empty, trying to keep up with what you “should” be able to do and what is deemed “Normal”. Where your husband has to take care of almost all of the household chores because you’re too weak to help. Where you spend every minute on the weekend in bed because you have to save your energy for Monday through Friday just to do it all over again. Where you constantly look at your watch, not to see when work would be over, but to track your heart rate spikes so you wouldn’t have to feel like it was all in your head when you would feel so sick doing literally nothing. Where you have to locate a place to sit when going anywhere so you don’t faint. Where the very thing that is supposed to help you feel better is the same thing that makes you symptomatic. Where you bike for 3 minutes and then have to call in sick the next day because you can’t get out of bed. The list goes on and on.
Then there’s the emotional aspect. Where there’s an overwhelming sense of guilt. A guilt that says you’re lazy. A guilt that convinces you you’re a burden and you’re complaining when you’re simply explaining your limitations and why you can’t do this or do that. A guilt that says “you’re just making it up” or “it’s all in your head” just because you look normal. A guilt that makes you feel like you’re being dramatic when you’re just being an advocate for your needs and your illness.
What I’m trying to say is biking 10 minutes is big.
I still have symptoms, but they are way more manageable and I actually have time to rest and progress. I have bad days, but not nearly as many. I still have to watch my spoons, but I have more freedom to choose what I use them on. I still check my heart rate, not to give me peace that I’m not crazy, but now just out of habit. There are still flares and days where I can’t get out of bed, BUT I’m living again.
Today i choose to celebrate my little victory. Today I biked 10 minutes, took some selfies, cried happy tears, and prayed thankful prayers. So to put it simply, Today was a good day.
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