A Music Video

 

My sweet Aunt Amy shared this music video with me earlier today. I have never been so overcome with emotions from a song or music video. It is powerfully raw and painfully honest. I’ve been trying to process all the emotions it brought up and I’m hoping writing might help me do that. So bear with me through this post that I can assure you won’t be my most eloquent. 

It’s interesting because when you live with a chronic illness like POTS, you become somewhat used to the life you live. You know it’s not “normal”, but it becomes routine and YOUR normal. You become relatively desensitized by just how “disabled” you are.

Watching this video, seeing my symptoms, my illness, my every day, and quite frankly, my marriage, so genuinely portrayed....I was a mess of tears.

 A mess of tears grieving the loss of a “normal” life along with Christina. 

A mess of tears because seeing her struggle was like watching myself, a perspective I’ve never seen before. 

A mess of tears because it’s a reminder of how incredibly blessed I am to have a man by my side to carry me when I’m weak, to selflessly give up so much to take care of me (without a SINGLE complaint), to love me through every symptom and every flare, and make me feel empowered when I feel defeated and my most vulnerable.

A mess of tears because I’ve witnessed that same look of fear, defeat, and sadness in my own husbands eyes.

A mess of tears because it served as such beautiful validation for me. A huge sigh of relief because I’m understood. I’m seen and I’m believed. 

I have seen the judgmental stares when my invisible illness suddenly becomes visible. I’ve been told some pretty ignorant things that have made me doubt my worth and question my abilities. 

But I’ve also experienced unwavering support. 

The kind of support that makes you feel strong even when you feel you’re at your weakest. 

The kind of support that allows you to let out the biggest sigh of relief because you feel safe enough to just “be”.

The kind of support that reminds you that it’s not your fault, that makes you feel safe and lets you rest in the fact that you are believed.

The biggest and best way you can be there for someone who suffers from a chronic illness is just by simply believing them. Oh, and educating yourself. These complex son-of-a-guns are difficult to live with and hecka hard to explain.

My friend asked me a little while ago if I ever get angry at God because of my illness. I am so thankful I can honestly say that I haven’t.

I’ve learned so much from my illness and I continually see God’s hand in my life through it. I see Him molding me and grounding me through my symptoms and I truly believe His Word to be true. God works all things together for good. So while being sick may not feel “good”, I trust Him. Even if I don’t ever get the gift of seeing what He is doing through my illness, I trust Him.

That doesn’t mean every day I wake up and say “wow I’m just so happy I have a chronic illness!!”. Cause y’all, that is NOT the case. One day you might be coping just fine and the next day you find yourself simply heartbroken. Both are okay and both are valid. I pray that one day there will be a cure, but even if that day never comes, I am so thankful I can find rest in Jesus. 

One of my favorite verses that gives me peace on my hard days is Isaiah 40:31. It’s rather ironic and feels like it was written specifically for us spoonies. 

“but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”