Late Night Thoughts

 

Slowly but surely I’ve crept as close as I think I’m going to get to just fully not caring what anyone thinks of me or what I post. (As you might be able to tell by my many many novels) It’s really so important to me to be transparent and vulnerable. Being transparent on my good days to give myself (and hopefully other spoonies) some hope on the bad days. Being transparent on my bad days to remind myself that I’m worthy of a little extra grace and rest. And being transparent on my days full of grief and anger even (especially) when it feels ugly.

Today was one of those days. One of those days that I’m just straight up overwhelmed with emotion: grief, frustration, and yes, anger.

If you’re thinking “dang; I feel like every other day she’s having “one of those days”” then you’re actually not too off base.

Welcome to life with a chronic illness. It’s a wild ride physically but man, it’s an even wilder one emotionally and mentally.
Back to my point:

While today I’ve felt angry, I’m not angry with God. I think it’s by His grace that I don’t struggle in that way actually. Knowing who He is has always given me peace on the good, the bad, and the ugly days. Because if I believe that He is who He says He is, then I have hope and a purpose that’s so far beyond me and my tiny world. If He is who He says He is then I can trust His Word. He makes no mistakes. He keeps His promises. He loves me wholly and He’s given me this body for a reason and my tiny human brain doesn't need to have the answers to all the "why"'s

But today, I've been angry with my body. I try so hard to love it. To be patient with it, to grant it grace and rest. But today I’m just simply mad at it. I’m mad that it limits me so much, that my life doesn’t look like a normal 26 year olds life, that most days I’m stuck in bed all day, that my husband has to pick me up off the bathroom floor after I faint. I could bore you with a list of allll the reasons why, but that seems irrelevant to anyone but me and my God.

My husband held me as I cried tonight. He held me and told me that he’s sorry that I don’t get to “jump and dance around and live my joyous life”. Now that, that’s when I lost it. If I had to sum up all my feelings to anything, it would be that sweet sentence.

It perfectly encapsulates why I’m feeling this pesky little emotion today.

I often think about what I’d do if my illness wasn’t part of my story. I daydream a lot about that "me". The non-sick me. The Olivia that’s Olivia to her fullest extent. The Olivia that doesn’t need to count her spoons. The Olivia that doesn’t need to say no to the things she wants to say yes to. The Olivia that gets to dance around the house. The Olivia that can pour into others lives without growing tired. The Olivia that can play basketball without laying on the ground to keep from fainting. The Olivia that gets out and lives her life because she can. The Olivia who gets to STAND in lines instead of sit on the ground. The Olivia that is self sufficient and can care for herself entirely. The Olivia that is goofy and energetic and bubbly and giving of more than what this Olivia is able.

That’s the Olivia I wish I could be.

But then He grounds me once more with one of my favorite promises. Isaiah 40:30-31; the verse that I hold tight to on days like today.

“Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young {wo}men shall fall exhausted, but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint”

Even YOUTHS shall FAINT and be weary. And the young shall fall exhausted. But they who wait for the Lord shall RENEW THEIR STRENGTH.

It’s ME. It’s written for me. It’s like God wrapped it up with a pretty little bow and said “here, Olivia. This is your story, get ready and Trust Me”

I have an album on my phone to help me on days like today. It’s full of pictures likes these, the me that I feel like is the closest version of THAT Olivia, the Olivia that I feel like is the most authentic version of my weird, care-free, goofy, giggly self.

I may be mad at my body today, I may dream of healthy Olivia, but tonight I’m just going to reflect on the Olivia I am able to be and rejoice in who He has made me.

While I may not get to do everything I wish I could and I may not get to be the me I wish I could be every day; His mercies are new every morning and one day, one morning, I will be with Him, with a new body and I will get to be THAT Olivia. Have you ever ever heard a more beautiful promise?