I snapped at my sister tonight

Arizona is HOT and I’ve been well, really sick. And today was an extra bad day POTS wise. She was being sweet and caring and considerate and was simply just asking if I was okay because it was clearly obvious that I was not. She was a concerned sister making sure I knew she was there for me and I’m honestly really disappointed in myself for snapping at her. 

It was a moment I’ve been trying to process (which would be why I'm writing now) and have asked God (for lack of a better term, I apologize in advance for the christianese 😅) to search my heart for because yuck, I wasn’t kind. I muttered “I’m fine, I’m fine”. I was short with her and acted annoyed. 

It wasn’t her I was frustrated with, it wasn’t her I was annoyed with. It was myself, my body more specifically. 

It’s ironic because it can be so frustrating that this illness is invisible, that you just blend in and people couldn’t pick you from a crowd and know that you’re unwell.

But then there are the times where it is so obvious that you’re not well that you want nothing more than to just blend in and escape the attention and valid concern. 

That was tonight for me. I just wanted to be normal. I didn’t want anyone to have to worry about me. I wanted them to just enjoy every second without my illness taking an ounce of joy or a moment of laughter away from the time we were spending together. 

I’ve since apologized to my sissy. She graciously accepted, and replied with “I’m sorry you have to deal with this aka your body”. Like are you kidding me, she’s too good to me. She is gracious and she loves hard. It’s just who she is. And I’m lucky to have her. 

I am lucky to have my whole family.  I have such a supportive, comforting, concerned family that checks up on me daily. I really do have the best support system. Not everyone has that. 

And tonight was a beautiful reminder of that support system that while sometimes its hard to accept I need, I am so beyond words thankful that I have.