my sweet husband

There’s this music video that I’ve shared before. It's written about a woman who has POTS and it follows her life and her marriage. Now when I say I bawled when I watched it, I mean I BAWLED. The kind where you have to pause the video every four seconds because you can’t see through your tears and you can’t hear through your feelings. I cried, not because I was seeing my life lived out, but because I saw my husband's. 

It’s a perspective that I think needs to be talked about more. I’ve never talked much about it because it feels like it teeters on sharing a story that’s not mine to share. Chronic illness doesn’t just affect the one who has it, but their spouse, I’d almost say more. 

Chronic illness is a thief. A thief of time. A thief of energy. A thief of experiences and memories. But it also TRIES to be a thief of joy. And sometimes it wins. But not always. 

I had a bad syncopal episode at the Hoover dam back in 2014. It was one of those where I knew it was inevitable and there was no way for me to avoid it, so I just let J know that I was going to faint and got on his back. I don’t remember anything except when I was in and out of consciousness I could hear him saying “I love you, I love you, I love you” over and over. This is the man I married. Forever the calm in the chaos. He carried me down those steep Hoover dam stairs and he’s carried me every day since (both figuratively and literally). 

I won’t share his story, but I will share mine. Because I see how hard it is for him, I see how much it affects him. I see his love for me in the grief in his eyes when I’ve had a bad week. I feel his love for me in his protective texts throughout the day seeing what kind of day I’m having. I see his love for me when he catches me when I faint and when he is freakishly attuned to my symptoms and triggers. 

I suffer, he suffers. 

I hurt, he hurts.

I lay in bed all day, and he’s right by my side.

He gives up a lot. He always has and to be honest he always will. 

It’s just part of our story.

But what’s also part of our story is our love that has been strengthened because of it. It’s truly a beautiful thing to have a person, your person through it all. To never be doubted. To forever be cared for. And so intensely and unconditionally loved. I never knew a love existed like this and I am so incredibly grateful to know it now. 

So thank you, sweet sweet husband. For loving me through every day and for being my forever calm in the chaos.