Another negative.

Time for a real candid and vulnerable post.

My husband and I were out to dinner last night. We reflected on our relationship and talked about our future - 100000% my type of

conversation. But it also got heavy. That's to be expected when we're going through

something HEAVY. and we were honest with ourselves. Said it like it is. We have fears. it hurts. We don't get it. We did everything "right". We saved ourselves for marriage. We've worked so hard to nurture our love.

We dreamed of having a big big family with lots of mini Jordan's running around (okay the mini jordan's part has really just been my dream)

I've wanted to be a mama since I was a little girl and my husband? Man, he's going to make the BEST dad. So why not us? 

I’ve carried guilt for - no matter how you slice it - the burden that is chronic illness that I've drudged through our life. But we take it in stride. It quickly became our reality. And we're stronger for it. But this? Sheesh. It's just starting to feel unfair. Ugh. Yikes. I want so bad to backspace and delete that word and that feeling: unfair. But It's true. I'd be lying if I said I haven't gone through waves of wrestling with that ugly feeling. It all just feels too heavy.

Its hard and beautiful watching others get what we so badly want and it's hard to keep from wondering why not us, or what did we do, what didn't we do. The self doubt creeps in and I've felt myself shrink - feeling like I must've disappointed Him some how. But the most beautiful thing this whole journey has reminded me, is the flip side of one of my favorite truths about God. Just as there is nothing we can do to earn His love, there is absolutely nothing we can do to lose it. He is not a God of punishments. He is not a God who finds joy in our pain. He is not a God who withholds our desires. He is not a spiteful God and He is not a God who turns His back on us. He is so much the opposite. He is a God of GRACE. He is a God of love. He sits with us and hurts along side us in our pain. He is a God who has given us the desires in our hearts for a reason and He is a God who never leaves us. He is a God who can turn the most ugly situation and create something beautiful. This is my God. I know it to be true because I know Him. He does not love me more for the decisions I've made just as He wouldn't love me less if those decisions were different. So you could say, this season has caused me to search my heart. I'm

not talking Christian lingo, "search your heart". I'm talking real, dig deep, be-super-honest-with-myself-and-with-Christ, type of search

my heart.

Why did I choose to live the way I have? Why did I make the decisions I did? I chose this life and I've followed Him because I LOVE HIM and I trust Him. Plain and simple. He's told me the way to live a full life as He designed and He never claimed it to be easy. Just as He hasn't promised it would pan out the way we hoped, wished, and even prayed. I didn't choose to follow Him because I thought it would get me in His good Graces - cause frankly, He quite literally IS the Good Graces. He freely gives His Grace. That is the most beautiful thing about being his Child. I'm His forever. With 6 kids or completely childless, it doesn't change a thing in His eyes. I am no less of a woman. I am no less of a wife. I am no less loved. I am no

less of His kid. So I guess my point with all of this is, if you're going through a season, could be a season of singleness, a season of loss, a season of infertility, a revolving-door of a season of caring the burden of chronic illness, or any other season that keeps you in this painful limbo.. It's not your fault. It's not a punishment.

You are right where God intends you to be, even though it doesn't make sense and even though it's painful. While this is painful, it isn't a punishment. While it hurts, we're growing through it. Life is hard, but God is so so good. He's got you and by golly, He's got me too. 

“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" - Matthew 6:26