FEARS

Quick note: I've always been an open book with my life, but my goodness, this insecurity is one that's tougher for me to be as open about, which is why it's taken me a hot minute to bring myself to share this little piece of my pregnancy journey. BUT my yardstick for sharing my story is anything and everything that I've wished i had seen or had someone I could relate to about. And this is one of those things. 

Fears. There’s a ton of them through pregnancy and they will only multiply into motherhood. And this week has brought a lot of them.

My POTS has been in full swing. My symptoms can be crippling and my weakness can be all consuming. And experiencing POTS while pregnant? It’s a whole different beast. I don’t fear my losses because of my Illness, now I just fear how my illness will get in the way of me being a capable mother. Oof. Heavy.

And when I have a POTS flare, I have a difficult time keeping these fears from completely overtaking me.

Those fears soon turn into frustration towards my body. And that frustration quickly turns outward to my appearance. A rapid, ugly, self-destructing cycle.

The #1 thing on my pre-baby bucket list was to get my self image in check, to love my body regardless of what the scale says or what I would change in my reflection. I am proud to say that I actually got to check that off my list and I really wanted that to continue through pregnancy. And for me, part of that looked like documenting and honoring my growing belly.

But living through only the first 13 weeks of pregnancy, I’m realizing that’s a difficult feat. My body is starting to change. It doesn’t look like some of the tight cute little bumps I see on instagram. It’s slowly but surely widening, rounding, and changing before my eyes and it’s just plain old weird.

My insecurities have reared their ugly heads and just the thought of taking pictures of my bare bump has felt laughable and nauseating at the same time.

But so has the idea of letting those insecurities steal the memory of the little things throughout this pregnancy that I longed for for so long.

So by golly, I made myself get up out of bed, put some makeup on, setup the tripod, play some of my favorite music, and honor this little belly of mine.

Pre-pregnancy Olivia would be so proud.

And I gotta say, it helped. I started to see my body for what it is. An incredible vessel that is sustaining a whole separate beautiful life.

 A difficult concept to grasp and yet a completely natural, instinctual, and God-given ability. Incredible.

I am dang proud of my body for what it’s done and doing and I’m proud of the little scars that are just reminders of one step in our journey to this baby. As weak as I feel so often, I sure feel strong for all that my body DOES do.

Pregnancy is hard and beautiful. Motherhood is intimidating and Motherhood with Chronic illness? It’s terrifying. But God chose me to mother this child for a reason just as He gave me this body and the trials that come along with it, and He will continue to see me through it every step of the way.

So I guess my point is…take the picture, eat the taco, make the memory. Little by little, you’ll find your fears shrinking.  And the best part is God will just take it from there.